I don't know why I decided to wander into Barnes and Noble today, considering I had a whopping $22 to my name when I walked through the doors, but I'm glad I did. When I go to a book store I like to walk through the whole thing, aisle by aisle, seeing what catches my attention. This time it was a table in one of the main aisles that was devoted to books to give to graduates. Most of them were the silly inspirational junk that sits on a coffee table later in life and never is actually read by anyone. There was one that was different though, it was a journal that prompted the user to confront a fear every day.
I can only really speak for myself since I've only ever experienced life as myself, but graduation and the entire idea of life after is absolutely terrifying. In fact, a lot in my is terrifying right now, to the point I've been dealing with regular panic attacks. Most of it is stupid stuff and I know it and will have to find a better way to cope since its out of my control. The first page of this journal was just line after line for the user to list their fears. This got me thinking, there's probably a lot of other people out in the internet that are scared of the same things and feel just as isolated and unwilling to address or talk to others about them. The biggest thing I think I learned from this, is that on occasion it's okay to be scared of stupid stuff as long as you don't let it consume you and keep you from living life. I've been letting it do that lately and if sharing will help me or anyone else not do that I will call it a plus. So I made a list, ignore it and move on if you wish but I'm hoping that at least one other person will read it and feel less alone. And I promise I will come up with something other than a list to post one of these days.
In no particular order:
1. Being wrong
2. Not being liked
3. Letting people down
4. Not being successful
5. Spiders
6. Losing a family member
7. Being average
8. Forever being single
9. Living paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life
10. Never fulfilling any of my dreams
11. Some day becoming a parent (there are people younger than me with more than one kid!!)
12. Never becoming a parent
13. Failing at anything
14. Being left behind
15. Never moving out my hometown
16. Moving out of my hometown
17. Being ridiculed
18. Being forgotten
19. Relationships
20. Wasting my anything (time, money, etc.)
21. Being stuck working retail for the rest of my life
22. Being stuck in an office job
23. Awkward situations
24. Looking stupid
25. Being a victim
Like I said, most of it is stuff that is out my control and its stupid to spend more than a few moments worrying about it but this list and a bunch more keeps me awake at night and snowball into panic attacks during the day. If it helped anyone else that's great, if not and it ends up being no one ever reads this, then at least it was a little cathartic to write the list. Maybe that process will be good for someone else as well.
